May, 2001
Time of Occurrence: May 6th, 2001, 4:07 PM EST.
Scene of the crime: 12th Annual Spring Art Show and Sale, Arnold Mills Community House, Cumberland, RI.
Perpetrators: Two sisters, whose names rhyme with "Shlamy" and "Shlee" (names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent), known to their underworld counterparts as "the Hooligan Hussies", known to law enforcement as "Dagnabbit, not THEM again, I just got my doughnut".
Nature of the Crime: Opie was brutally Creature-napped at the close of Cat's first show, right under her nose and many other noses of various onlookers and hangers-on. Whilst allegedly speeding away down Nate Whipple Highway, "Shlamy" was heard to interject, "Ohmygod! I forgot to pay her!" At which point Shlee (obviously the more nefarious of the two) conspired with Opie: "Hang on, baby. We're home free."
Justice: Despite Opie's obvious delight at having been kidnapped (I'd call it traitorous, but that's just Opie being Opie), Shlamy's conscience held sway, and the trio returned, penitent, with cash in hand. The dastardly duo has been sentenced to community service in the form of jumping up to block the view of Cat's TV every time those insipid "Invisiline" braces commercials come on.
The Aftermath: Unfortunately, there are several of Opie's brethren around the house, and they STILL think it's funny. Frankly, we're all getting tired of hearing the story. Although in the latest version, Shlamy and Shlee are international triple-agents, who after a lengthy jet-fighter chase with Opie at the helm, actually end up settling down in the Pacific Northwest to play in the mud. Yeah, RIGHT, Opie!
